The Grace of Yes by bestselling author Lisa M. Hendey won third place in the annual Excellence in Publishing Awards by the Association of Catholic Publishers.
Hendey is founder of CatholicMom.com and author of A Handbook for Catholic Moms and A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms. She is also a broadcaster and Catholic blogger.
In The Grace of Yes, Hendey takes readers on her personal faith journey, highlighting eight virtues that have helped her—and can help others—say yes to God.
Find out more about other ACP winners on the organization's website. The awards will be given out during the annual Religious Booksellers Trade Exhibit May 26-28, 2015, in St. Charles, Ill.
Lisa Duffy knows what it's like to find hope after divorce—from her own experience, as well as more than 20 years of ministering to those wounded by divorce.
Duffy is a columnist for CatholicMatch.com and creator of the "Journey of Hope" divorce recovery program. Her first book, The Catholic Guide to Dating After Divorce, is the first written for the 11 divorced Catholics in the United States.
Ave Maria Press talked with her recently about the book.
Question: Lisa, early on in the book, you address the stigma of being divorced and how that impacts the decision to attend Mass and receive the sacraments. Can you talk about your own experience and what you’ve heard from others?
Lisa Duffy: In the weeks and months after my husband left, it took all my strength and resolve to attend Sunday Mass. I was very angry and disillusioned, which made it difficult to focus on the Mass, but I also felt a deep sense of shame, like I didn’t belong there with all the “good” Catholics. Seeing happy families and couples there also brought immense sadness. I would usually come late and leave early so I could avoid anyone who might want to chat.
My experience seems to be similar to many divorced Catholics, however a large percentage automatically suspect they are not welcome at Mass or parish functions because of their divorce. Some of them just stay away because they fear the judgment of others. Then there are those who show up for Mass or try to continue participating in the ministry they were involved in and are told by those who unfortunately have their facts wrong that they are no longer able to participate.
Q: It seems like there are some misconceptions regarding Church teaching about divorce and participation in the sacraments. What’s does the Church say? Do you think these misconceptions actually make it more difficult for divorced Catholics to heal?
Lisa: Yes, there are many misconceptions out there regarding divorce and participation in the sacraments and I welcome the opportunity to provide some clarity.
First, a civil divorce decree in-and-of-itself does not prohibit a Catholic from receiving the sacraments or participating in parish life as stated by the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
“It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage” (2386).
This also applies to the children of divorced couples, who often are denied receiving Baptism or their First Communion by lay parish teachers who are misinformed.
Second, divorced Catholics who have remarried without first receiving a decree of nullity are not allowed to receive Communion. This is a non-negotiable circumstance, contrary to the media’s coverage of the recent Synod held last October and it is not some human rights issue where the Church is treating divorced and civilly remarried Catholics as second-class citizens. This is the Church protecting her members from spiritual disaster. The Catechism plainly states:
“Anyone conscious of a grave sin must receive the sacrament of Reconciliation before coming to Communion” (1385).
The reason why a divorced and civilly remarried Catholic is considered to be in grave sin is simple: A decree of nullity (annulment) declares that the marriage in question—even though a real relationship that may have produced children existed—was never a valid marriage. It was never a spiritual, unbreakable covenant between the spouses and God. Therefore, the spouses are not bound to each other until death as a couple with a valid marriage would be. If they are not bound to each other, they are free to get married.
If a divorced Catholic does not go through the annulment process to find out whether or not he has a valid marriage, the Church considers that person validly married. Therefore, a second marriage would constitute adultery.
I definitely do believe these misconceptions prolong and aggravate the healing process. It’s so important for clergy and lay leaders in positions to give direction and advice to divorced Catholics to have an accurate and uniform understanding of what the Church teaches.
Q: Of the five “attraction factors” you write about in the book, is there any one that is most important or upon which the others depend?
Lisa: Yes, the first attraction factor, being “available” is really the one the rest hinge upon because if you aren’t technically able to date because you do not have a decree of nullity and your heart is not available to give away because it is locked in the past by anger and resentment, it makes taking those other steps almost a moot point. A person could work on the other attraction factors, but she would find herself constantly having to go back to this first one to master it if she wanted to make any real progress on any of the others.
Q: Late in the book you talk about creating a “life program.” What is it and how can it help someone healing from divorce and wanting to love again?
Lisa: A Life Program is an exceptional tool that anyone can use, but it is especially good for divorced Catholics because it helps to motivate them to move forward instead of remaining stuck in sadness and emotional ruts. It’s like drawing yourself a road map to help you get from where you are today to being the happy person you want to become. The three most important steps are to write a detailed description of what you want your life to look like when you are completely happy; second, to identify the five biggest obstacles that are preventing you from being that person; and third, to identify five ways you can overcome those obstacles and move yourself forward toward your goal. It’s very effective and is something good for anyone who wants to excel in life, especially spiritually.
Early in the existence of the community of Holy Cross, Blessed Basil Moreau told his religious that “the work of Holy Cross is not the work of human beings but the work of God.” The anniversary we celebrate today can be counted among those works: the 150th anniversary of Ave Maria Press. On this day, May 1st, in the year 1865, the first edition of the family magazine, The Ave Maria, a weekly periodical devoted to the Blessed Virgin Mary, was published. That was before May 1st was designated by the Church as the feast of Saint Joseph the Worker. But it seems appropriate that today we celebrate the Mass of Saint Joseph the Worker as we celebrate the holy work of Ave Maria Press, 150 years of work for the Church, the work of evangelization and catechesis, the work of promoting devotion to the Blessed Mother, the work of providing good Catholic reading, a work that continues today. As we celebrate this publishing work that is under the title of the Blessed Virgin Mary, it seems appropriate that we do so on this feast of her spouse, Saint Joseph, the patron of workers. We ask Jesus, the one known as the carpenter’s son, as we heard in today’s Gospel, to continue to bless the work of Ave Maria Press.
Saint Paul wrote to the Colossians: “Whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” These words are good for all of us to ponder as we consider our daily work. Certainly, these words express the attitude Fr. Edward Sorin had in founding Ave Maria as well as Notre Dame. With the spirit of parrhesia (boldness) typical of him, Fr. Sorin began the venture of Ave Maria despite many naysayers who thought the project would fail. But Fr. Sorin was determined to honor the Blessed Virgin through this periodical. He wanted to encourage Marian devotion. He was resolute in moving forward because he felt that there was a great need to provide this publication for the Catholic faithful, mostly immigrant and poor, living in a dominant Protestant culture. He wanted them to have the spiritual sustenance that the Blessed Mother provides. A few months before the first publication, Fr. Soring wrote to Neal Gillespie the following: “I may be deceived, disappointed, laughed to scorn, but with all that I will still retain my conviction that the Ave Maria will be the source of most abundant blessings, one of the best things ever done in the Congregation, and ultimately a glorious work for our Blessed Mother.”
I don’t think the rather quick and early success of the Ave Maria endeavor would have happened without the support and work of Mother Angela Gillespie at Saint Mary’s. This strong, well educated, cultured, and faith-filled woman, having just completed her great service of the wounded and dying in the Civil War, did so much to make Ave Maria a success. Mother Angela was the actual director of the new magazine in those early years. She solicited the essays and articles and discerned what should be published in each issue. Mother Angela also oversaw the sisters who did the typesetting and layout of the magazine. She worked hard to assist, Fr. Sorin, the editor, in making Ave Maria the most popular and most read Catholic periodical in the country. Fr. Sorin once said that “Mother Angela is a person whom heaven blesses in everything she touches.” And she certainly touched the Ave Maria enterprise. I recently learned that my predecessor, the first bishop of Fort Wayne, John Henry Luers, sent an article or essay to be inserted into the Ave Maria. In doing so, he said to Fr. Sorin, “if my English is not correct, let Mother Angela rectify it.”
Though I am focusing on the early years of Ave Maria, we should also remember today all those who continued the work of Fr. Sorin and Mother Angela through the past century and a half. I think, for example, of Mother Angela’s younger brother, Fr. Neal Gillespie, who succeeded her as the behind-the-scenes editor of Ave Maria. And we remember all those who have written for and worked on the Ave Maria publication until it ended in 1970. We also remember those who have worked, and continue to work, with Ave Maria Press as its published expanded since then beyond the weekly magazine. The form of the mission has changed, but not its substance. It continues as a Catholic enterprise, a ministry of the Congregation of Holy Cross. It continues in the mission of Holy Cross to helping people know, love, and serve God and to spreading the Gospel of Jesus. It continues to spread Fr. Sorin’s deep devotion to the Mother of God. It continues to respond to the spiritual and intellectual needs of American Catholics.
On this memorial of Saint Joseph the Worker, when the Church reflects on the value and meaning of human work, it is good for us to remember that work honors the gifts of God our Creator and the talents we receive from Him. All of you who work for Ave Maria Press and support its work are collaborators with Jesus in His redemptive work. As disciples of Jesus, we are all called to holiness by doing the work He calls us to accomplish, by doing our work with dedication and love. The Church teaches that “work can be a means of sanctification and a way of animating earthly realities with the Spirit of Christ” (CCC 2427). This happens by being industrious, using our talents for the glory of God and the good of others. On this anniversary and as we look to the future, we ask the Lord’s blessing on the work of Ave Maria Press. We move forward with the counsel of Saint Paul in our minds and hearts: “Whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” And we move forward, we ask the intercession of Saint Joseph the Worker and his most-holy spouse, our Blessed Mother. With the angel Gabriel, we say “Hail Mary, Ave Maria.” Like Fr. Sorin, we entrust our work to Jesus through Mary; we entrust Ave Maria Press to Our Lady. May the mother of the carpenter’s son who is the Son of God pray for us!
Most Rev. Kevin C. Rhoades
Bishop of Fort Wayne-South Bend
Moreau Seminary Chapel
May 1, 2015
